I grew up in a pretty decent situation, now that I look around and see what some people were exposed to. I do have some demons in my past which, more and more, as time passes by, affect me less and less.
As a middle child, I grew up flying under the radar, getting away with more than maybe I should have. I feel bad now looking back because I really took full advantage of this. I had house parties and invited people (notice I did not say friends, who came never mattered to me as long as it was fun) to come over, drink and have the time of their lives on the weekends my Mother was out of town on business. I was a completely disrespecting, adolescent with absolutely no regard for anyone or anything that should have meant something to me at that time in my life. All I cared about was being fun. Being the funny guy. Being the guy that everyone said was a blast and that they loved hanging around me. I know now, how sad that time in my life really was.
This lifestyle followed me through to my mid twenties where I did some crazy things, and I may even qualify them as down right stupid. I’m not going to get into details but feel free to ask my little sister. She saw how out of control and ridiculous I really was.
Through those years there are thoughts that really stand out in my mind. “Man, does life get any better than this?” “I’m the funniest guy alive!” “Wow, is she ever hot! I bet she wants me!” All of which were conceived in the same moment as I was wiping away the vomit remaining on my chin after ducking under a table to remain unseen by the bouncers. I’m pretty sure that the girls I was referring to, were just staring in absolute disgust after I aided them in realizing what a half digested, 3 meat pizza pop mixed with Kokanee looks like when it is “sent back to where it came from!”
Throughout all the partying and drinking and attempted fraternizing, (yes…. attempted) I would also have, what I now believe, to be the beginning of my current consciousness. When I say consciousness, I don’t mean to hint at the idea that I am “enlightened”. Far from it! Although I am working towards it.
I remember vividly, on many occasions having this one thought. This one thought is now the basis I live my life on. This one thought rolls me out of bed at 4am when I couldn’t sleep until midnite. This one thought tells me, “yes you can,” when everyone else screams, “NO YOU CAN’T!” This one thought has taken me from the pathetic mess I was and has created amazing opportunity for me, in every single day I live.
This one thought was, “I know I am here for a reason, an important reason…. but…. What is it?”
-Scott Weller
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